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A Mere Consolation

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” -Albert Einstein-

With an imminent threat of nuclear war upon us, fear and distress is an understandable reaction. I understand, most of us do not want to die and are afraid for our lives. But, fear not, we will not get nuked—I think—but, even if we do, it is not that big of a deal; there are extremely positive consequences if we get attacked with nuclear weapons. The aftermath of nuclear war will be incredible: ponder on it for a minute.

Congress and our government are trying endlessly to deflect this possible notion of war—emphasis on trying. Trump is taking to Twitter every day to lower our chances of tension with North Korea with tweets like “Just heard Foreign Minister of North Korea speak at U.N. If he echoes thoughts of Little Rocket Man, they won't be around much longer!” and “Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!” and “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’ Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend” and “Kim Jong Un of North Korea, who is obviously a madman who doesn't mind starving or killing his people, will be tested like never before!”. Trust me, Trump and Congress are definitely not trying to get in a nuclear war, all of their efforts are going towards investigating Russia’s interference with the 2016 election. Un and Trump’s friendship is #goals—they have little pet names for each other, that is the type of friendship we should all strive for. Other Americans may disagree and find their beautiful relationship dubious and are persistently fearful of a nuclear war.

If we were to get nuked, the aftermath would not be as bad as you would think. In a scientific perspective, the heat of a nuclear explosion can reach up to a million degrees. It is so hot that it can disintegrate any tissue within half a mile of the explosion; your problems will disintegrate just like the rest of humanity. Anyone you hate would LITERALLY vaporize into dust. You can officially say you are stepping on your enemies grave—without being in a cemetery, obviously. Just picture it, everyone you hate will no longer be in your life. If you hate people, that will be your personal heaven on earth. People are not the only problem that will disappear; if you have financial burdens such as bills and mortgage payments, all of that will also burn away, so there truly is no need to worry. And, if that does not convince you enough, then, for starters, you are weird, but also, you should not worry, Trump will save us all. President Trump has innovative and successful foreign policies, including building a $33 billion wall between the United States and Mexico—with a great plan like that, why should we worry about bad foreign relations with North Korea?

If you have no enemies, then you have no advantage with the death tolls. But, there are so many more advantages: not only do they advance your confidence, but it will also help you save some money. The radiation from the nuclear explosion will give you the tan of your dreams; you will get that sun kissed glow so much so that you can possibly turn into ash. If you do not turn into ash, however, you will not have to worry about paying for another tan. Have you ever wanted to dye your hair black?—all the fallout as a result from the explosion will do that for you.

Nuclear explosions have monumental impacts and the chronological order of events is something to be admired. Upon impact, afterwinds—a strong current of inflowing winds—form and carry radioactive material that are lifted into the atmosphere. Gravity, being our best friend, takes its course and the contaminated radioactive particles are dropped back down into the atmosphere. Humans, doing what we typically do, breathe in these radioactive particles which slowly fill our lungs and suffocate us until we die slowly and painfully. But, don’t worry, hide your tears, President Trump will save us.

If you’re fearful of a threat of imminent nuclear war, or if another nation besides the United States is struck with a nuclear attack, do not worry. Do not fear, let’s just make a hashtag and it will all be okay. #impeachlittlerocketman. All you have to do is post #prayforLRM and we will all be fine. You will be seen as such an empathetic and sympathetic person that you will get all the retweets. That's the goal right? Once you get all the retweets, remember to mention me (@jessie_eshak) so I can get all of your followers too. If my reassuring words refuse to make an impact on your anxieties, just remember: President Trump will save us all.

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